Stillness Inside the Storm

There’s this strange kind of calm I didn’t know existed. Not the absence-of-pain kind. Not the “everything’s fine now” kind.

I’m in severe pain right now. Let’s be clear.

My head feels like it’s full of needles—my right eye, my temple, behind my ear. The entire side of my face is lit up like a warning sign. My cheekbone feels shattered, like someone clocked me with a blunt object. I’ve lost vision on the right side sporadically over the last 48 hours. I feel the sharp edge of a knife tucked into the gumline behind my back teeth, and there’s a power drill running full speed through my ear and the back of my skull.

I am in one of the worst flares I’ve ever had. I am blessed to live very close to Yale New Haven Health Hospital, and I may end up visiting my friends over there later.

And yet… I’m not angry.

I’m not cursing God.

I’m not crying.

I’m not bargaining.

I’m not wondering if everyone would be better off without me.

I’m not wondering if I would be better off without me.

I’m not wondering what I did to deserve this.

What am I doing today? I’m here. Laying in bed for the second day in a row. Muscles like Jell-O. Body flooded, system wiped, head exploding. But heart… open. Breathing slow. I am spending my day watching YouTube clips about Buddhism, pain with grace, gentleness, generosity, doing no harm. I like buddhism. It speaks to me, and it makes sense to me. Ive been learning a lot about it in my downtime - which is now.

There’s something sacred about pain when it’s met with peace.

Not fixed. Not resolved. Just met.

This is parasympathetic flooding—a full-body, emotional crash where everything goes limp and soft. And somehow, that softness feels… okay. Like surrender without defeat. Like I finally stopped fighting myself.

And I’m not doing it alone.

I have a boyfriend who sees me. Really sees me. He’s coming over later—not because I can’t take Nicky to the park (I will, and he knows it)—but because he wants me to rest. He wants to care for her today so I can stay still, stay soft, and let myself be held by this moment.

He doesn’t just love me when I’m okay.

He loves me when I’m healing.

When I’m quiet.

When I’m in bed, not producing, not shining—just being. That kind of love reminds me I’m allowed to pause. That the best version of me doesn’t come from pushing through or what I can tangibly ‘do’ to prove my worth. It comes from honoring the waves.

I have always had to prove my worth. Even today there are people in my life who will force me to defend and justify every word and thought I have… until I decided last week, no more. No more.

And when I look back at my life, I cannot think of one time that someone said: “Dana, just rest. That’s what you need.”

It was always: “When are you going to get up?” “When are you going back to work?”

My favorite? “You shouldn’t be using your handicap sticker… you’re taking it from someone who really needs it.” I still cannot believe she said that to me. In fact that one created a resentment - literally i have to do paperwork and work on this with my AA sponser. The others rolled off my shoulders but that one hurt. In that one sentence, I was told I was a fraud. I wasnt sick. I was selfish. I was taking advantage of the system and hurting someone else. All in one sentence. I can hardly look at that person anymore… I pretend. I have to pretend… but now I am learning I don’t have to be angry. What credibility does she actually have after saying that? What I am learning is instead of holding on to the pain I felt while hearing that? I can look at her and just think… what a pretentious b*tch. She knows nothing about me, doesn’t care to… why should she matter? Why should I care? And the answer is - she doesn’t. and I dont.

Those are direct quotes from the last four years of me being on bedrest—from the people closest to me.

And the second I was able to get up, I was so happy. It felt like waking up from a coma. I thought I had a second chance at life. But instead of support, instead of healing—I walked straight into the most traumatic six months of my life. I wondered if God brought me back just to torture me. I was suicidal. I wished I’d never gotten up. I wanted to go to heaven to be with my friends.

And even then… I was “lazy” for not going right back to work. I was in analytics…. but the physical and emotional trauma on my brain, the constant medication like gabapentin causing my thoughts and cognitive part of my brain not working the same was an “excuse”. I was told to go work in a retail store. Could you imagine?? Could you honestly imagine me ‘on my feet for 8 hours’, ‘smiling all day’ ‘talking all day’… but in the eyes of the people closest to me - I am “Selfish” for trying to take care of myself. Because going to just work in a store - would make someone thing i have at least that much worth because thats what i can provide. My worth was never based on me, who I am.. just what i can do for YOU. I understand that now and I did not before. And i understand that because someone just walked into my life and said STOP. Dana… you ARE worthy of rest. You DESERVE to have the life YOU want. YOU deserve this. Ive never heard that before. Not ever.

So I want to say this clearly:

You want to thank those people… Because they’re the ones who inspired me to create Dove Recovery Art. To put all of these feelings on canvas. To open up real, vulnerable conversations that people are afraid to have. Well I am not scared, Ill write about anything publicly. Were not looking to assonate anyones character, or accuse/attack anyone. We don’t use names. Were talking about real issues in this blog, not people. Who cares who it was - if it happened let’s talk about it.

Because I want you to heal.

I want you to rest.

I don’t want you to overwork yourself to death.

I want you to realize that whether you show up for your boss at 80% or 200%, you are still completely replaceable. You can be replaced in a second if you get sick. And you will be.

You can overwork yourself so hard, put money in the bank… and suddenly your house has a tree fall on it. Well there goes all that money and look - all that time away from your family, yourself? Gone. Wasted. Don’t be one of the millions out there obsessed with money. Its just paper. I don’t have any because I worked myself to death, had 6 figures in my account and guess what. I had emergencies. Im broke. Had I taken better care of myself… not gone into work when I really felt ill… I may not be in bed today.

So put yourself first.

Come in wherever your body can if you’re tired. Go home and rest. You’ll show up better—not just for them, but for you.

I encourage you to pause.

Let them call you names. Who cares? lol. ;)

Take care of what’s important. Because in the end—the only person who will ever be there for you—is you.

Today… I’m learning.

I’m looking back.

Remembering situations.

Coming to realizations.

And setting the intention for a much better future.

The memories upset me. They disturb me. But I am learning to watch my emotions float by, like they are on a conveyor belt. They are valid. I feel them, but I don’t have to be stuck in them.. i can honor them and say i see you… and let them float by. THAT is the difference. I don’t need to go into he said / she said.. because at the end of the day, it will upset me. And I am having such a relaxing day.. why would i ruin it?

So today, I’m staying in bed. Not because I’m giving up— But because I’m showing up. For myself.

For him.

For Nicky.

For all of you.

And that’s enough.

With love,

Dana & Nicky