Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Let Go (Even Though They Keep Hurting You)
Let’s talk about Trauma Bonding—one of the most gut-wrenching, confusing, and shame-filled experiences someone can go through.
If you’ve ever found yourself clinging to someone who mistreats you, who disappears and reappears like a magician of pain, who hurts you and then comforts you in the same breath—this post is for you.
It’s not weakness.
It’s not drama.
It’s not your fault.
It’s trauma bonding. And it’s a trap.
🩸 What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a psychological and emotional attachment that forms between an abuser and the abused—specifically because of the cycle of abuse and reward.
It’s a chemical, psychological, emotional loop:
They hurt you.
They come back with love, apologies, intensity.
You feel relief and connection.
Repeat.
Your brain starts to associate survival with staying connected to the source of the pain. Over time, you lose the ability to tell the difference between love and suffering.
This isn’t just emotional. It’s neurological. The same system that makes people addicted to drugs gets activated here—dopamine from the highs, cortisol from the lows, adrenaline from the chaos.
And just like any addiction, withdrawal is brutal.
🚨 Signs You’re Trauma Bonded
You make excuses for their behavior constantly.
You feel addicted to them—even when you know they’re hurting you.
You feel panic at the thought of them leaving, even after abuse.
You defend them to others but feel ashamed or exhausted privately.
You feel like no one else would love you the way they “do.”
You keep hoping “this time will be different.”
You might even recognize everything is toxic but still feel unable to let go.
That’s the bond. That’s the trauma glue.
💔 Why It Feels Like Love
Because in between the pain… they’re so good.
They say the right things.
They “love bomb” you with affection, promises, or sex.
They act like a changed person—just long enough for you to believe.
The tenderness feels like a rescue. It triggers relief. But it’s not real healing—it’s the come-down from the abuse high.
This doesn’t happen because you’re broken. It happens because your nervous system is trying to survive an unstable environment by attaching to the person with the most power.
That person is often the same one who’s causing the harm.
🔓 How to Start Breaking Free
This part isn’t easy. And it’s okay if you’re not ready yet. But here’s the truth: The cycle will not stop on its own.
It’s not going to fix itself. And their “potential” won’t save you.
Here’s what can:
1. Recognize the Pattern
Start by naming it. Trauma bonding loses power when it’s seen clearly.
“I’m not in love. I’m trauma bonded.”
2. Create Distance
Even emotional distance matters. Journal. Talk to someone. Put physical space between you, if possible. No contact is a gift to your healing.
3. Find Your Safe People
Abuse isolates you. Recovery requires connection. Tell someone. Therapist. Sponsor. Friend. Support group. AA. CODA. Anyone safe.
4. Stop Romanticizing the Good Moments
They weren’t real—they were part of the pattern. The “high” was part of the hook.
5. Track the Timeline
Write it out. Map the highs and lows. Patterns become undeniable when you see them on paper.
6. Feel the Withdrawal
It’s gonna hurt. That’s okay. It’s your nervous system detoxing. Breathe through it. It’s temporary.
7. Affirm Your Reality, Again and Again
“This is not love.”
“Love doesn’t feel like panic.”
“I deserve safe, consistent, boring love.”
“Leaving does not make me the bad guy.”
🕊 Final Word: You’re Allowed to Leave
You are allowed to walk away from anyone—even someone who says they love you—if the relationship is making you sick.
You are allowed to end the cycle even if they “never hit you,” even if “they’re trying now,” even if “you’re trauma bonded but still love them.”
You are not selfish for choosing peace.
You are not dramatic for needing safety.
You are not broken for struggling to let go.
You are healing.
And healing doesn’t always feel good at first.
But you’ll get there. We do this together.
With Love,
Dana & Nicky