🖤 Stockholm Syndrome: When You Love the Person Who’s Hurting You

This is a VERY serious topic we are about to discuss. This is the kind of topic where people really get hurt. If this is you - I have done a load of research and added my own personal experience. If this is someone you know - please SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE them in the right direction - this is NOT the time for shame or blame. People really get hurt, commit suicide, or die with this type of thing - they . need . support & love. - Dana (written off my own personal experience).

Some wounds don’t show on the outside. Some prisons don’t come with bars. And some of the hardest cages to escape are the ones we build in our own minds—cages like Stockholm Syndrome.

What Is Stockholm Syndrome?

Stockholm Syndrome happens when a person develops emotional bonds with their abuser. It originally came from a hostage situation in Sweden, but you don’t need to be held at gunpoint for this to happen. It happens in abusive relationships. It happens in toxic families. It happens when the very person hurting you becomes the person you cling to for comfort.

How Does It Happen?

It’s not about weakness—it’s about survival. And nobody will understand. If you are here - this is the time to call a professional. Friends and family: this is REALLY hard to understand, especially if they helped you get away. It causes big feelings for a lot of people. And stress.. if your people are controlling - they will step in. These are NOT the people you go to. You need an outside very objective voice. I am not suggesting you ‘need therapy’ I am suggesting that you do NOT go to the people who know the situation. They will NOT understand. And you don’t need to be made to feel smaller right now, you need strength and clarity. You need encouragement to build confidence. If your people can do that? Terrific, but its rare. Mine most definitely do not.

When you’re trapped—physically, emotionally, or psychologically—your brain flips into survival mode. You start to justify, minimize, or rationalize the harm because your mind believes you need this person to survive. Your mind is taking over your conscious thoughts. This is not your fault - in any way.

It looks like:

1. Fear: They create control, chaos, and instability.

2. Relief/Kindness: They give breadcrumbs of love or affection.

3. Bonding: You cling to the tiny good moments to survive the bad ones.

4. Dependency: You feel trapped, unable to leave, defending them even when you know better.

Signs You Might Be Stuck in It:

🚩 Feeling close to or protective of someone who mistreats you.

🚩 Making excuses for their behavior.

🚩 Feeling guilt, panic, or shame when you think about leaving.

🚩 Thinking they’re “all you have.”

🚩 Losing sight of your own needs, safety, and well-being.

My Personal Story:

I know this because I’ve lived this. I’ve had more than one person in my life hurt me—people who were abusive, who crossed lines, who made me feel small, unsafe, and unworthy. And more than once, I let them back in.

Why?

Because they were familiar. Because they felt safe in that twisted way only something known can feel.

Because the chaos and the calm were woven so tightly together I couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began.

I knew it was wrong.

I knew I was choosing something harmful.

But the familiarity kept me clinging.

It becomes this heartbreaking balancing act:

Wanting the comfort of what’s familiar but trying not to get pulled under by it. And I’ll tell you right now—it’s a battle you can’t win.

That familiarity is a trap. It’s not real safety. And it’s a terrifying place to be. I’ve been there. I’ve survived it. And I know how hard it is to let go of something, even when you know it’s destroying you.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave:

People love to ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?” “How could you go back” “How could you talk to him?”

But they don’t understand that when your survival brain is at work, leaving feels like dying. It’s not just about walking out the door—it’s about untangling yourself from manipulation, trauma bonds, fear, and self-doubt. It’s about learning to believe that you deserve better. You MUST believe - you can deserve better. This is where many people turn around and return… they do not believe they deserve better.

How to Start Healing:

💖 Name It: Call it what it is—Stockholm Syndrome. Survival brain. Trauma response. Start saying it to yourself. When you are ready, write it or say the words out loud. Make the words familiar - not the person.

💖 Get Safe: Whatever “safe” looks like for you—start there.

💖 Reconnect: Abusers isolate. Healing happens through connection with safe people.

💖 Be Gentle: The shame isn’t yours to carry. The damage was done to you, not by you.

💖 Seek Support: Therapy, recovery groups, trusted friends—reach out. Every lifeline matters.

What I Want You to Know:

If you’re reading this and it feels familiar—I see you. I know the war going on inside you. I know how easy it is to doubt yourself, to blame yourself, to cling to the very person who’s hurting you.

But you can walk away. You can ignore the phone. You can break free. And you can build a life where safety is real and love doesn’t hurt. Seek support. If you dont have anyone then you email me. I will talk you through, and support you, and I will write you back. I always do.

You deserve that.

We all do.

With Love,

Dana & Nicky.