Learning to Let People’s Behavior Stay Theirs

You ever be in the middle of a conversation with someone, and suddenly they don’t like your answers to the questions they chose to ask? And then—like clockwork—they “have to get off the phone” because they’re “driving” or “in the supermarket” or “at a restaurant.” It’s basically the adult version of a toddler covering their ears and chanting la la la. Immature, disrespectful, and completely unnecessary.

Here’s the thing—I’m learning not to take it personally anymore. This used to make me feel awful, like I had done something wrong just by answering honestly. As if my mistake was not making up something that matched the answer they wanted to hear. Now that I have some space and clarity, I can see that this behavior doesn’t reflect on me at all. I don’t behave that way, and the fact that I know I don’t want to behave that way should give me peace.

That’s the tricky next step—ending an unpleasant conversation without carrying it into the rest of my day. Today I did better. The unpleasantness didn’t ruin my day, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t put a little shadow over the next hour or two.

The truth is, people—no matter who they are—will act in ways that let them see themselves in the best possible light. If they want to be seen as generous, they’ll make a donation or make sure people know they donated more than someone else. If they want to be seen as strong, they may show firmness… or they may just push others down to appear stronger. There are a lot of names for these behaviors, but the point is: they’re about them.

I used to see these moments as a personal attack. That’s the people-pleaser in me, it wasn’t necessarily intentional on anyone’s part, but the result was a deeply ingrained belief that my needs came last.

Now, when someone behaves like this, I try to see it as a reflection of their values, not mine. I can say, “Wow… I don’t ever want to look like that, how ugly,” and move on. That’s growth. Less reactivity. Less aggravation. And honestly—less head pain.

I can’t give you a single “aha moment” for how I got here. I’ve been studying a lot—Stoicism, Buddhism, life philosophy, even dark psychology. I started that last one when I built this website, so I could talk about trauma from an informed perspective, not just a personal one. My goal is always to connect with you, the reader, and make it about something universal—not just my own story.

I want to keep growing. I want to be more at peace in my own skin. I want to feel calm, even when other people aren’t. I know I’m moving in the right direction, and I also know I have to give myself grace. I just walked through fire to get here. My belongings haven’t even arrived yet, and I already know some things didn’t make it. Replacing them will be hard, but I’ll figure it out. I always do.

This is life right now—messy, uncomfortable, full of moments that test my patience. But also full of lessons, and proof that I’m not who I used to be. And honestly, that’s something worth hanging on to.

And.. this is why I am here, to give myself the grace, the space, and the freedom to grow into who “I” want to be.

With Love,

Elfy & Nicky