July 4: Breaking Free from Co-Dependance & Learning to Stand on My Own Two Feet

Let’s talk about something that shows up in so many of our lives—often without us even realizing it: **Codependency**.

For most of my life, I didn’t even know what that word meant. I thought I was just being a good daughter, a good partner, a good friend—loyal, helpful, selfless. But underneath that, there was something deeper going on. Something I didn’t have words for yet. I am still learning.

💡 What Is Codependency?

Codependency happens when our sense of worth or identity becomes wrapped around someone else’s. It’s when we:

* Prioritize others’ needs over our own—every time.

* Feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

* Struggle to set boundaries or say no.

* Lose sight of ourselves trying to "keep the peace" or "be enough."

This pattern doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s usually something we **learn**. Not because anyone set out to harm us, but because people can only teach what they themselves know.

For me, I was raised by parents who did the best they could with what they knew. One of my parents is extremely codependent on the other—has absolutely no idea. The other parent isn’t. And because of that dynamic, I picked up codependency without even knowing it. Both of us are co-dependent on the other parent and always have been.

No one meant to pass that on to me. There’s no villain in this story. You can’t teach what you don’t even know exists. And I’m not upset about it. I’m not here to blame. I’m here to take responsibility for **my part, my actions, my healing.**

🖤 My Story: With Compassion, Not Blame

For most of my life, I didn’t know what freedom really meant. I thought it meant doing what was expected of me: looking good, being successful, keeping up appearances. I thought it meant staying in line with the values I was raised with—money, status, perfection, control. But those things were never mine. They were a **costume** I was taught to wear.

It’s probably why I’m the black sheep today: A disabled alcoholic in my family? LOL.

The truth is, I was raised not to trust myself, my parents knew best. I was taught that my worth came from how others saw me, from how I could please, impress, and fit in. What would they think? In school I did not get the extra help I needed because we did not want the Universities to see that I had extra help. I was codependent **before I ever picked up a drink**. Not intentionally, not maliciously—but it shaped me.

And here’s what I’m finally learning: **Codependency is just another addiction.** I firmly believe it is the reason for my alcoholism.

It’s another way to hand over my power, to give someone else control of my self-worth, my emotions, my life. And just like with alcohol, I can recover from it. I can do the work.

🚨 How Codependency Has Shown Up in My Life:

I carried this pattern into romantic relationships too. In one relationship, I slipped into codependency without realizing it. The stress, the trauma, the circumstances pulled me into the old dance.

I’ve also seen it show up in smaller moments:

The Trap of Over-Giving and Resentment:

I’ve gone to the store to grab pasta and ended up building an entire ice cream bar—ice cream, fudge, caramel, sprinkles—because I thought it would make someone happy. I came home excited, only to find they weren’t even in the mood for ice cream.

I meant well. But I was making decisions for them based on imagined outcomes, not reality. That’s not love. That’s control disguised as kindness no matter what my intentions were

.

The Cleaning & Cooking Trap:

I once cleaned someone’s house obsessively and cooked elaborate meals like matzo ball soup—a two-day labor of love. But they never asked for it. And when they told me kindly, "I never asked you to do all this," it broke me. Because I wasn’t listening to what they *wanted*. I was doing what I *thought* would keep me safe, loved, accepted.

🔓 Breaking the Cycle: How to Start

* **Awareness First:** Notice when you’re over-giving, over-fixing, or over-attaching.

* **Boundaries Matter:** Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re lines that honor you and others.

* **Shift from Fixing to Witnessing:** Care without carrying. Takes a lot of work…

* **Stop Mind-Reading:** If you don’t know—ask. Don’t assume. What they think - really is none of your business until they bring it to you.

* **Take Responsibility, Not Blame:** The moment you see it, you can change it.

🌱 My Turning Point:

Codependant behavior broke a really important relationshp for me, and I learned about his after the fact. I couldn’t stop something I didn’t understand. It was devestating, I knew it was me but I didn’t undertand ‘what was wrong with me’. He told me all the time, “Dana. I am trying to accept you, for you, and all of you”. I can never un hear that, its one of the few painful lines that will stick with me forever.

This year, standing on the edge of 40, I had an earth-shattering realization: The people I trusted most, the voices I let guide me, were wrong. The rules I lived by weren’t mine. The values I chased left me empty. I was totally co-dependant! I almost lost my sobriety when that truth hit me. The pain nearly took me down.

But it didn’t. And that is the miracle. Because today, I see the silver lining:

* I get to decide who I am.

* I get to choose my values.

* I get to stand in my truth.

Not because it earns me love or approval, but because I am worthy of **my own life**.

🌸 Final Thoughts:

I’m not saying I have it all figured out. I’m still learning to trust myself. I still catch myself reaching for outside validation. But every time I say no to that old pattern, every time I put down the need to people-please and pick up the tools of recovery, I’m one step closer to freedom.

One step closer to me. And here’s what I’m holding onto today:

I don’t have to do anything.

But I get to heal.

I get to grow.

And I get to choose my own fcking path.

I’m not alone in it. Not anymore.

If you think you may be struggling with codependency, this is a resource I have personally used in the past: Codependents Anonymous: (https://coda.org/)

(I am no longer a member of CODA but recommend this sounds like you)

With Love,

Dana & Nicky